The 5 Great Truths I Wish I’d Understood Before I Got Married the First Time

Early this morning, CNN posted a sobering article on my iPhone News about divorce. It was titled:

5 factors that may predict divorce,                                                         according to psychology

The article was not long, but it was effective. It highlighted how, given that about one out of two marriages initiated some time during the last few decades eventually break up — causing all sorts of financial/emotional loss — this issue needs to be addressed.

Kudos to CNN for running the article. Baby boomers like me have especially been at risk. I can testify. And a good friend of mine — a beautiful lady I would never have expected to suffer even the slightest separation — just let me know the other day that the big “D” was happening to her.

So sad.

But for the future, if we’re going to have the best zest in our bodies, souls, and wallets (the purpose of this blog site), divorce simply cannot be part of the picture, I think we’d all agree. The cost is too massive.

And that’s just in relation to the self-concerned element of the situation. What about the cost to the kids? Let’s not soft sell this. The inner devastation for them from seeing their parents split up is insidious and quietly long-lasting, especially if they’re very young.

So what did Drake Baer of Thrive Global highlight as key factors in divorce?

1. young marriages – the older you are before you marry, the better chance you’ll last; marry young and you have to work harder to stay together when the inevitable changes in life circumstances and changes in personality expression develop.
2. demographics – sharing common education levels and religious preferences is very favorable; if there’s too much difference…problems.
3. neuroticism – emotional instability in one or both partners can spell doom. Few people are equipped to handle constant or even intermittent “severe misbehavior” or outbursts of uncontrolled emotion from their close living mate.
4. infidelity – if you cheat, “forget about it!” Chances are, you won’t be forgiven.
5. The Number One Killer of Marriages? I’ll borrow a direct quote from Drake:
   “The number one killer, as indicated in the lab and in the therapist’s office: contempt. Things that signal you’re disgusted with your partner are all super toxic for a relationship, like hostile humor, name-calling, eye-rolling. But there’s also some hope here, too: if you want a relationship to last, be kind to the person you’re with. In a sense, it’s as simple as that.”

Thanks, Drake!

And there’s another important point to make here, I’m hoping….

What if we could explore some factors for marital success before we get married? What if we could do a bit of analysis ahead of time–analysis that would make a reasonably accurate prediction of the chances for a marriage’s success? And if that rating were below, say, a 70 or 75 out of of 100, “forget about it!”

Here are the 5 great truths

I wish I’d understood

before I got married the first time…

1. Guys, money matters. If you’re not prepared to, on your own, support a wife well already, don’t take a potential fiancee into your arms and promise her anything definitive. I know, I know…these days it seems both partners must work to avoid unacceptably low standards of living. But guys, it’s my personal conviction that — except for in unusual circumstances — you need to be the strongest one in this regard. And if your wife gets pregnant and/or finds she wants to stay at home and be a full-time mother or simply can’t work for any other reason, you both may have to make it on what you earn.  Testimony: I was still in grad school when I first got married. Should have waited two more years by just showing a little self-control.  Caveat: Life throws us all kinds of twists and turns. Sometimes a lady has to support her man for a time, as illustrated well in Jon Bon Jovi’s great song Livin’ On A Prayer. On the other hand, guys, do what it takes when you can. Testimony: At one time in my late 20’s, with a wife and three young kids, I had four jobs: lectured 6 or 7 hours a day in a full-time private high school teaching gig, drove the school bus for another 2 hours a day M-F and for Friday night football team travel, worked as the part-time Youth Minister at my church, and mowed lawns every early evening/Saturdays during the school year and summer breaks.
2. Personality combinations matter. I highly recommend that a couple who are getting serious about marriage study their personality types in the book named The Enneagram Made Easy: Discover the 9 Types of People by Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele. This book changed my life only a decade ago, for real. It helped me really understand myself, first and foremost, then others. And if you find yourself looking at the dark side of your potential mate’s personality type and say: “Hold up! That’s not for me! I won’t tolerate that for a minute!”….then you need to get out of that relationship, as painful as it may feel for a while.
3. Birth order combinations matter. There are lots of good books on the psychology of firstborns, second-borns (like me), third-borns, etc. I won’t recommend any particular author or book here. But just know that you should read up on this.  Testimony: As a second-born, my first marriage was to a firstborn daughter. I never predicted from her behavior before marriage how a sensitivity to authority expression and father-image leadership issues in her personality would be such a strong challenge to me.
4. Love languages matter, big time. Gary Chapman’s bestselling books on the 5 languages of love expression are a must read for all potential marriage partners. Start out with the first one: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. If you don’t already understand your potential mate’s love language and feel really good about caring for him or her in the way that communicates love the most powerfully to them, wait until you do. Period. Paragraph. End of story.
5. The biggest predictor of how you’ll act in your marriage has already been determined by how you related with your opposite-gender parent when you were young and growing up. Did you have a warm, close relationship with your mother, your dad? If you didn’t, deal with this issue. Get some counseling help, if at all possible. After all your initial early-marriage romance has worn off, you’ll eventually relate with your mate just like you did your opposite gender parent — apart from transformative changes in your self-understanding and behavior. Testimony: My growing-up relationship with my mother was hurtful and lonely at times. Other times, it was very good. She lived with huge psychological/emotional issues, including sexual abuse, that gave her dramatic suicidal down times and prolonged seasons of depression. I eventually was drawn to, and helped re-create, a somewhat similar scenario in my marriage as I had experienced in my growing-up relationship with my mother…unwittingly, I suppose.

Agree with me on some of this stuff? No? Yes? Let me know!

One thing’s for sure…marriage is worth saving, if at all possible. If it’s not salvageable at all — one partner has become abusive or completely abandoned the other physically and emotionally — starting over under God’s grace is often to be preferred to the misery of lonely isolation and facing life alone.

Loneliness can kill — especially in modern society where togetherness among close friends and family warmth can be hard to come by. If you don’t have the gift and strength to remain unmarried, don’t even try…especially if a good opportunity presents itself and you can use the insights of this blog article!